You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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