A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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