so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
