He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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