I am puke
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
