Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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