She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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