y did u give ur computer a hand job?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
