piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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