You can't special order awesome
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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