he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
