my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
