Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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