so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
