Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
