you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize