I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
