i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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