she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
