fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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