i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
