i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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