If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
