I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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