She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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