Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
