There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
