I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
