Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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