He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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