I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
