i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
