im about as happy as oj after his trial
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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