I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
