What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
