My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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