Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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