I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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