I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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