trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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