I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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