all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
