I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
