when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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