god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
