Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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