Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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