Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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