I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
