just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
