dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
