yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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