Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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