I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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